Once upon a time, but within living memory (ours) telephones were wired in and PCs non-existent. Hell, we even remember party lines. Hear the fire engines and pick up the phone to listen in and find out where the fire is (spoiler - the usual suspects having a chimney fire. Again). And eons later we considered ourselves lucky to have begun our retirement travels in the days of internet cafés. Slow connections, grubby keyboards, queues of students. Much better now, but probably more frustrating.
So we possessed - well still possess, and that is the problem - a bank account with HSBC Canada. It’s outlived its usefulness and we have attempted more than once to close it, though not forcefully enough. You can’t close a dormant account; you have to reactivate it first. The process isn’t quick. And somehow by the time it has been achieved the will to live, or at least to continue dealing with banks, has been sapped. So last attempt made shortly before we left home. Ended with their saying that closing the account could only be done at a branch office. Quite unmoved by my explaining that the nearest branch is in Winnipeg, 240 miles away.
Fortunately for us - HSBC indifferent - we were about to go to Winnipeg en route to Europe. So bus downtown on a lovely golden day to talk to a couple of helpful young employees who succeed after viewing our passports and credit cards and collecting our signatures in reviving our account. This doesn’t contain our life savings - only slightly too much to write off cheerfully. Though we’ve been tempted. However, for reasons known only to the gods of banking, it is not possible to revive AND close an account on the same day. And the next day we’re off to Europe. No problem, we think. Have an online only bank account that lists HSBC as an external account. Can simply move everything out. After tomorrow. All permissions for closure signed in advance.
Fast forward slightly to Cyprus. Oh right, we have money to move. Load app. However external account has disappeared from friendly online only bank. Presumably buried some time after HSBC declared it dead. Fair enough. So revive it - or more accurately enter it as a new external account. Enter HSBC account number. Number no problem but transit and institution numbers require help from Mr Google. Advice to copy them from the front of a cheque not helpful as we have somehow neglected to bring a cheque book for an account we are closing. But Google useful as always. Enter info on online bank app and am told that there will be two small deposits made into HSBC account. Report the amounts and all will be fine.
Except it won’t. HSBC has no intention of telling me what’s going on in our account. We might be thugs holding the Jaworskis hostage in the hopes of emptying this small account illegally. The only hope is to open access to online banking which involves eliciting assistance from the people who told us to drive to Winnipeg to close the account. But, needs must. Put a Canadian VPN on the mobile and use a VOIP to call HSBC.
And hit it fairly lucky. A representative who pretty well gets what has happened and has endless patience. First confirm identity. Includes providing passport number but stops short of fingerprints and dental records - though maybe those are only for identifying corpses. So begin process at website on ipad mini 2, reserving phone for conversation. Then the email with the code bit. Fingers well crossed as wifi not as swift here as it may be in Toronto or - more likely - Vancouver. Open email on second ipad so no need to risk leaving the VOIP and newfound friend at HSBC or the registration process. No bank ever gives you the same customer advisor twice. Code comes through barely within the requisite two minutes. Slow process but progressing. Ipad mini 2 receives second code - just read me the numbers on line 16. Then ipad 1 stalls and the dread buffer till you die circling begins. I express limited optimism. Can you download the HSBC app? Ipad mini 3 called into service. App loads although not quickly. Wifi capacity not necessarily helped by my current use of four devices. App accepts newly minted user name and password but does not wish to complete entry without further security. Resort to website. Website suggests three methods of increasing security or - on your head be it - none. Representative dubious about none. I swear that all I need to do is LOOK at the account. It will then be closed. Rep agrees. Thanks me for patience. It’s mutual. Didn’t think to check watch when we began but half an hour would be extremely conservative estimate.
Save dealing with other online bank for tomorrow. And memo to self - keep devices charged and at the ready.
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